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Until September, the conventional treatments I'd been taking—chemotherapy, radiation, surgery—still showed reasonable promise of putting my cancer into remission, or shrinking it, or even (before we knew it had metastasized into my lungs) curing it.
So it was worth trying everything, side effects and life-on-hold be damned. The radiation I'd had before that might even have helped.
Therefore, much of what I've suffered through, especially recently, has been from the treatments, not from the disease. Do I want to be part of this new Phase I trial, to contribute semi-altruistically to cancer research, spending many days at the Cancer Agency getting tests, taking pills every day, maybe feeling sick all the time and getting more strange skin rashes, perhaps even developing other weird side effects like elevated blood pressure, maybe for no reason that might actually get me better?When I heard about the trial yesterday, I assumed, almost unconsciously, that I'd proceed with it.But that's still coasting, just taking whatever the doctors serve up from a diminishing buffet.There are places I still want to go in my life, things I want to do, the husband and father I still want to be.
Perhaps now is the time to go there, to do them, to be that, because I can't wait forever first.
I thought that suffering was a necessary part of the fight. Or do I want to look at something else, like Vancouver's Inspire Health Integrated Cancer Care, and the Callanish Retreats, to try different things and look at managing cancer instead of fighting it?