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02-Jul-2017 20:17

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That’s why I’m taking guesswork out of what it is you should resolve to do, change, or be in the coming year.

I’m offering up ready-made personas to adopt, outfits to wear, and modes of thought to embrace that can be shed and swapped like so much clothing from Zara with every new week, depending on what the projected social, political and economic situation calls for.

And it’s not like the New Year is looking any better.

If chaos reigned in 2017 then it’s going to be torrential in 2018.

Whenever that friendly, generation-defining voice said, “You’ve got mail! All of my chats with him and emails to him, every piece of information, anecdote, fact, and story I told him, were entirely fictional. (I still remember her name, but I’ll never tell anyone because it is perhaps the single most private fact about myself.) She was beautiful, funny, popular, and accomplished, involved in many extra-curriculars and had an abundance of friends.

I understood with perfect clarity that the person I actually was was neither attractive nor interesting, and moreover I had been warned by parents, teachers, other people’s parents, and pretty much any adult within a fifty mile radius that the entire internet was made up of malevolent perverts, and to tell anyone your real name was tantamount to already having been sexmurdered. She experienced the normal ups and downs that a high school student (she was a few years older than I was—my parents both worked at a high school so I had some background knowledge) might experience. She lived in the optimistic, lovable pitch of a Babysitter’s Club novel or a half-hour sitcom.

And she talked to her online friend on AOL every day.

- The ultimate in day-to-night dressing: a bodysuit that can be worn when all the things that don’t impress Shania Twain much are offered to you spilling from a golden cornucopia at the end of an 100-foot-long Crocodile Mile slide, but the slide is covered in creamed corn and even if they don’t impress you much, either, there’s a Babadook that might just be Jack White stumbling toward you. - The intense regret you’ll feel when American Apparel gold lamé becomes a currency and Uniqlo comes out with HEATTECH human skin puffer jackets that you can’t afford.

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You scour through your cached My Space profile, dreading the laughingstock you’ll be at the apocalypse ball when you’re struck with a make-it-work moment so strong that you pull off a fascinator made of human teeth to compliment your suit/gown of Clif Bar wrappers—the only uncontaminated food left. My first experience of romantic love was catfishing someone on the internet. Fifth grade was a particularly bad year, and I very much wanted to be someone else.

ME TOO scrawled on the side in bubblegum pink bubble letters as the final proof of centrifugal force and the necessity of investing more in our space program.

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